frustration leads to desperation.....
01.17.2005 1:00am
God I know I need you so badly. I try to act like I can make it on my own and control as much as I can on my own. I try to control my money my time my life when I know it isn’t mine. I know the truth but it is as though I don’t believe the truth. I know of the truth but I don’t know the truth. I want to be a sold out man. I am tired of living complacently. I need a fresh breath of your reality. Touch me again to the hope of your love, your reality. I cant go another day without it. If I go a day without your vision I shall die. I want to live and die for a cause and what better cause than the cause of His heart. Awaken me again, stir me again. Let me be cherished. Teach me to relish in your presence. I am jealous for your presence I cant go a day without your attention. I must hang on every word I must get caught up in your heart. Where is your heart inclined toward today. I must know the silent movements and vibrations of you in your reality which is reality. God I need you I need you this very second to flood my heart. I need to see as you see. I need to feel as you feel. I cant handle another moment without experiencing your emotions. Frustration? No! desperation DESPERATION don’t ever leave me oh God. You are my hope my refuge my source my identity, my life my eternity. Churn churn my heart I command you to churn again for the things of God. Have questions about holiness! Have questions that gnaw at you! Be free to be free. be free to be. BE Chad BE!!! Be what he has created YOU TO BE SINCE BEFORE TIME BEGAN, burn burn burn allow your oil to burn not become cold wax waiting for something of fire to slowly melt its heart away. Be already and ever ready to be hot oil wax ready to pour out any moment.
01.19.2005 10:45 am
Frustration in complacency. It amazes me how pointless life feels without staying fresh on the vision and heart of Jesus. I can do and have everything yet it still feels lacking. Only the beatings of His heart makes my heart actually beat. My eyes are on you. Can food do it? No. can sex do it? No. can friends do it? No. what can. Can success? Can money? No no no. only He can, it is amazing. When you are moved I want to be moved.
1.30.2005 8:40am
I spent a night hanging out with ed at work. I enjoyed it. I feel such a lack though. I know there is more to life. I had a dream last night of someone coming up to me and saying you know you have destiny don’t you? So why don’t you go after it. I realized I had no excuse. I had nothing holding me back. Yet I hold back. I want to be given to the life of prayer. I want to be given to knowing His heart. I want to be given to people. I want to go through the trenches with people and be a war buddy with them. Through blood sweat and tears they know that there is an officer that is going through the trenches with them and is always inspiring them to the truth beyond the trenches. A man that dares as if he is dead man but has the hope and wisdom and love of a man that is fully and truly alive. Stir and Awaken. I feel like I need to stir and awaken myself. I want to physically shake myself and scream WAKE UP!!! AAAHHHHHHH! I have locked myself in my own prison. I live days out with even recognizing the amazing creator that allows me to breath. Have I no respect…..it seems not. All that said I feel good writing it out. It is like out of me now. On paper and out of me. I give this to you Jesus. I lay this heart cry and time at your feet, your cross and I --live for I have nothing to do with it anymore.
01.31.2005 7:30 pm
God I want to be desperate for you. I cast off all the old crap. All the old man. All the old fate. I put on your purpose and your burden and your heart. I deny myself and pick up my cross. I long for you. My words fail me now but I cry out and shed tears in the spirit and they feel like they can burst over into the natural any moment. I am in anguish for you your presence I want to fall in love with you. Ah lord god I will sit and wait on you. I will cry and make my petitions know night and day. I do not want to sound like the scriptures for cliché sake I want to be on your very heartbeat. Stir and awaken my heart!!!! Speak to me. I am dwelling on your very words you have spoken to me. Every word is a fascination. Every emotion a beautiful glimpse. I want to fall in love with you. I want to fall. I want to fall. daddy!! Oh daddy!!! That name is so unfamiliar to me. I understand but I don’t understand dad. But I speak in faith DADDY. I need you daddy. Your son lifts up his hands because he wants to fix his gaze and attention on his daddy. I want to crawl in your lap daddy. I break off all rejection in Jesus name the prolongs my independent spirit that says I have to maintain control. I don’t want to just believe and not trust I want to be fully given over in trust. I don’t care if it is crazy or whacked out or doesn’t make since I want to trust. God I declare in faith that I trust you and your ways above all else including myself. I declare in faith that you are my souls desire and I cling to you for my hope and life and joy and direction and salvation and all things. You are my high priest….you are my shepherd……you are my high priest …… you are my constant friend ……my companion to the end.
02.04.2005 9:00 am
Well here I am just chilling on the bus and listening to some worship music I just want to laugh because I realize how I cant control life. The bus is at a stand still and cant move because I water main broke and no one is able to pass. On top of that there has been such bad traffic that the earlier bus didn’t even show up….I got the bus people to call my work. Ha ha I am just enjoying your presence Lord. You are the reason I am. I thank you for your joy and your peace.
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