it is all up to you.....

the father's embrace
Man I haven’t written in a long time. Not because I haven’t had anything to write. I have been in life evaluating mode lately. I have found out that God is soooo good. Words cannot express how good he is…..only tears. I don’t even know how to put my heart into words. I really don’t even know what my heart wants to write. It is like a huge vague knowing. I know I love God. I know that I want to be given to his purpose and his plan. I know I want to live the abandoned life. Abandoned what a word. I don’t even know what I am asking for but I say it anyway in a true heart because I know that is more satisfying and fulfilling and meaningful than anything else. Does living the abandoned life mean people will abandon me? Sure. But I think living the abandoned life is more about me abandoning things in my life. Abandoning my pride, my self seeking, my lust, my dependency on me, the very things I have held so strongly for so long. Truthfully it is abandoning everything save him. Abandoning with a promise of Him. I want the promise. I desire Him I want to love him more than what this life has to offer. Consecrated to his cause that he places inside of me. It is has been a long time since I thought about the cliché thing of pray this prayer and Jesus will come live inside you. I haven’t thought like that in a while but I desire him in my inner most being. It is like I have forgotten that he is inside of my heart. I get so frustrated at how I am living my life lately, because it hasn’t been for Him it has been for me selfishly. I am getting to the point where I can say that I am more than just considering abandoning myself…….that is what it is……this whole talk……it is about abandoning myself……… no wonder I have been so scared of it. Abandoning the part of me that is with out Him. I was hiding in my sin last night because I didn’t want to be seen and I ended up having a conversation with God, the light in the midst of darkness, and I was just telling him I didn’t want this and that in my life anymore and he quietly repeated something he has been speaking to me for the past 2 weeks or so. He said that my whole life is all up to me. I am where I am and I am who I am because it where I decided to be and what I decided to be. He said “Chad, it is all up to you…..I am not the puppet master I am your coach for this life and it is up to you if you want to allow me to speak into your life and train you to win the prize.” he showed me movies with coaches like remember the titans….million dollar baby…… coach carter……and he showed William Wallace even had a coach. And good coaches are all about the underdogs that people look at and say they cant make it. There not talented enough, there not the right gender, there not the right size, there not the right economical level. There trash and always will be. Then a coach comes along and sees beyond there opinions and says I see potential and they genuinely believe in them and start coaching them to win the prize of the game and life. The students seem to always have a hard time in the beginning because the coach changes everything they have ever known. But they follow in frustration for a bit then all the sudden they see how it all works out. They get a small victory. They know that the coach believes in them and that is why he is doing what he is doing by faith leading them to do things that they can’t see yet knowing it will lead to the prize. And God is our life coach and he believes in us and is asking us to do things and give up things because he is training us to win the race. Then the Lord said to me “Chad I have labeled you the comeback kid…..so comeback.” and that is what I needed. I have a God in heaven that believes in me and he thinks I am capable of winning spite what life circumstances says spite what people think and he says forget them they don’t matter anymore just listen to my voice and he drills it in so much to where the inner part of us can only here his voice our bones repeat what he says. So I am in that place where I have come to God and I say yes I want to go for it and he says lets make some changes………