if i can just touch the hem of his garment....

in need of a touch


So many thoughts and frustrations. God I need you. I love you and I want to live a life that says I love you. Right now I don’t feel capable of much. Actually nothing. I feel so handicapped in my life. I assume that can be a good place because I can only depend on you but I want to be able to do something for you. I feel confused with all the voices in my head of different patterns of thought. I will no longer worry about the sphere I have in this life. I will take what I have been given and love you and others and allow eternity to put value on how I lived in this life not man, not ideologies, not religion, not the world. I want to honor you Lord I am going to honor you with the fragrance of my life consecrated to you. I am yours now. No longer my own. I give you my dreams, my future, my desires, my talents, my abilities. I give them all to you and I trust you. Would you heal my heart of having a hard time trusting you. Heal my heart of pain over my life. Heal my heart that I might be able to serve you. No longer will I worry about finances or driving or anything. I will just be free as a bird. Trusting the wind on which I fly. I desire to be a man of fewer words. I do not want idleness to flood my words anymore. When I speak I want it to because there is something to say and even what you want me to say no more no less. people may read this and think I have lost my mind and you know what that is ok. I want to lose my mind and gain the mind of Christ. Lord I just worship you and thank you for who you are what you have done. Tenderize my heart to your heart and the cross. I want to be a man broken in your presence. I want to know your presence. I want to know your heart. I want and desire to be love sick for you. I want to be a carrier of the heart of God. I don’t care what people say or think, because I love you. I will follow you all my days. Make my heart a constant prayer where words like this is continually being offered from my lips. To end this journal I am going to put some lyrics of a song that is really ministering to me right now.
All Day
Verse1
I don't care what they say about me
It's all right, all right
I don't care what they think about me It's all right,
they'll get it one day
Pre-Chorus
I love you, I'll follow you
You are my, my life I will read my Bible and pray
I will follow you all day
Verse 2: I don't care what it costs anymore
Cos' you gave it all and I'm following you
I don't care what it takes anymore
No matter what happens I'm going your way
Pre-Chorus
I love you, I'll follow you
You are my, my life I will read my Bible and pray
I will follow you all day
Chorus: All Day All Day now All Day
Verse 1
I don't care what they say about me
It's all right, all right
I don't care what they think about me It's all right,
they'll get it one day

Pre-Chorus
I love you, I'll follow you
You are my, my life I will read my Bible and pray
I will follow you all day
Chorus Bridge: Anyone around can see just how good you've been to me
For all my friends that don't know you I pray that you would save them too
Chorus
All Day All Day now All Day

it is all up to you.....

the father's embrace
Man I haven’t written in a long time. Not because I haven’t had anything to write. I have been in life evaluating mode lately. I have found out that God is soooo good. Words cannot express how good he is…..only tears. I don’t even know how to put my heart into words. I really don’t even know what my heart wants to write. It is like a huge vague knowing. I know I love God. I know that I want to be given to his purpose and his plan. I know I want to live the abandoned life. Abandoned what a word. I don’t even know what I am asking for but I say it anyway in a true heart because I know that is more satisfying and fulfilling and meaningful than anything else. Does living the abandoned life mean people will abandon me? Sure. But I think living the abandoned life is more about me abandoning things in my life. Abandoning my pride, my self seeking, my lust, my dependency on me, the very things I have held so strongly for so long. Truthfully it is abandoning everything save him. Abandoning with a promise of Him. I want the promise. I desire Him I want to love him more than what this life has to offer. Consecrated to his cause that he places inside of me. It is has been a long time since I thought about the cliché thing of pray this prayer and Jesus will come live inside you. I haven’t thought like that in a while but I desire him in my inner most being. It is like I have forgotten that he is inside of my heart. I get so frustrated at how I am living my life lately, because it hasn’t been for Him it has been for me selfishly. I am getting to the point where I can say that I am more than just considering abandoning myself…….that is what it is……this whole talk……it is about abandoning myself……… no wonder I have been so scared of it. Abandoning the part of me that is with out Him. I was hiding in my sin last night because I didn’t want to be seen and I ended up having a conversation with God, the light in the midst of darkness, and I was just telling him I didn’t want this and that in my life anymore and he quietly repeated something he has been speaking to me for the past 2 weeks or so. He said that my whole life is all up to me. I am where I am and I am who I am because it where I decided to be and what I decided to be. He said “Chad, it is all up to you…..I am not the puppet master I am your coach for this life and it is up to you if you want to allow me to speak into your life and train you to win the prize.” he showed me movies with coaches like remember the titans….million dollar baby…… coach carter……and he showed William Wallace even had a coach. And good coaches are all about the underdogs that people look at and say they cant make it. There not talented enough, there not the right gender, there not the right size, there not the right economical level. There trash and always will be. Then a coach comes along and sees beyond there opinions and says I see potential and they genuinely believe in them and start coaching them to win the prize of the game and life. The students seem to always have a hard time in the beginning because the coach changes everything they have ever known. But they follow in frustration for a bit then all the sudden they see how it all works out. They get a small victory. They know that the coach believes in them and that is why he is doing what he is doing by faith leading them to do things that they can’t see yet knowing it will lead to the prize. And God is our life coach and he believes in us and is asking us to do things and give up things because he is training us to win the race. Then the Lord said to me “Chad I have labeled you the comeback kid…..so comeback.” and that is what I needed. I have a God in heaven that believes in me and he thinks I am capable of winning spite what life circumstances says spite what people think and he says forget them they don’t matter anymore just listen to my voice and he drills it in so much to where the inner part of us can only here his voice our bones repeat what he says. So I am in that place where I have come to God and I say yes I want to go for it and he says lets make some changes………

live for eternity and in the end your wisdom will be justified...

fight the good fight!

I don’t know what to write…..I have many things on my heart but still don’t know how to phrase or if it even feels write to write them out right now. Vacation was a time of God revealing his heart to me. I realized more than ever before I deserve to go to hell. But I have set my eyes on him and his beauty and his love saves me. The Lord has been speaking to me on what I feel is a birds eye view over what he is heading towards with the end times. The church is not ready for what is to come!!! Christians are not ready at all. I am not ready. But I want to prepare my heart to be ever ready and waiting on the heart of God to manifest in whatever way he seems right. I just want to live with eternity in mind. Life is but a vapor and if I live for eternity, which doesn’t makes sense to most of the church. My wisdom will be justified in eternity. everybody wants to say…… well that isn’t right there is a corporate ladder and protocol to ministry. You must realize the God wants you live practically and safe and in a form. But form are formed after the real thing they are not the real things so why pursue the form. I want to pursue Him and he is extravagant and extreme and his wisdom is foolishness to the wise of this world. I will learn to be attentive to his voice and who he is. My foundation will be the word of God not beliefs systems based on traditions of man. The only thing that will awake and mature the church is great tribulations and persecutions. I long to be sober minded in this day and age yet intoxicated with his spirit. By the way if you are reading this going….what the heck? This is why I called my blog casual ranting lol.